he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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