if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
