I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
