she looked like the bat from fern gully.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
