So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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