all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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