sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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