you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
