She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
