Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
