Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
