I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
