The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
it's great music for shaving your balls
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
