I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
