Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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