Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
