When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
