I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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