drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
