You made me cry and you don't even care
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
