Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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