the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
