forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
