I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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