we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
