How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I would ride that face into the sunset
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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