He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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