I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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