Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
