and you said cock pushups were impossible
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
