Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Your dad touched me again.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
