Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
