Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
