I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
