Apparently you make a good broom.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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