P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
