11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
