The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
