My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
