does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
