Just cropdusted the office
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
