I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
