i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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