mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
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the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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