I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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