you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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