I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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