i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
not ubering you a puppy
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
