How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
