there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
