I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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