there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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