dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
