go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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