Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
