my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
