I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
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It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
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So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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