How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
