sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
