Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
