I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
